I’m so excited today to have my fellow marriage enthusiast and new friend, Shelia Wray Gregoire from To Love, Honor and Vacuum, sharing here on FancyLittleThings. I had come across her blog several times while researching & reading for biblical views on sexual intimacy in marriage when I heard she would be coming to my MOPS group to speak! I was over the moon!! In a semi-stalking approach, I invited to meet her for dinner before her speaking engagement, and just love her bubbly personality, her authentic voice and her passion for shedding God’s light on the topic of sex.
{{ GIVEAWAY !!! }}
She graciously gave me a copy of her book A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to give away to FLT readers, so make sure you hit the end of this post and get entered to WIN!!
Sex.
In movies it’s all breathless and stupendous and fireworks-inducing, but how often do women lie there and think, “do I have to tonight? How
many nights has it been anyway?” Then we sigh and decide, “Well, he really needs sex tonight, so I guess I can.” See how selfless we’re being! But if you dissect this, what we’re really saying is:
I’m doing something I don’t want to do to try to make you happy.
In other words: I think of sex as a chore.
That’s not exactly going to boost your marriage. Now, for many of us sex is difficult because we have some real issues–maybe pain during sex, or past trauma, or relationship trouble. I totally understand, and I know that it can take a while to get through some of these things.
But for most of us, that’s not the issue. It’s not that sex hurts or it brings back flashbacks. It’s that sex has become a chore. And we think, “why should I make love to him if he can’t even be affectionate towards me? Why should I go out of my way for him if he can’t do the dishes sometimes or lighten my load? And doesn’t he understand that I’m exhausted?” And so we don’t.
What if there were another way of looking at it? What if you could actually start to believe that sex was for you, too? It isn’t something you just “give” him; it’s something that actually benefits you, and that can help you with your exhaustion, or your insecurities, or your loneliness?
So let’s jump in. Here’s why sex is good for you, too:
1. You Sleep Better
Honestly! If you are really exhausted, sex is often the best thing for you. You’ll fall asleep faster, and then you’ll sleep deeper. And it’s not just the orgasm that brings on sleep (although that is a big part of it). Simply feeling close to him, and repairing some of the emotional distance, can also help you sleep.
Some nights when I know it’s been a while, and I know we should really make love, I say no because I’m so tired. Those are often the nights I toss and turn and can’t get to sleep. And I’ve realized it doesn’t work. So now when I’m really exhausted, I say to my husband, “Put me to sleep, baby.” It works every time!
2. You Feel Closer
Often the reason that we don’t want to make love is because we feel distant. You’re not sure if he really loves and values you the way he once did. He hasn’t been feeling affectionate.
Do the close feelings come before sex, or does sex bring the close feelings? Often it’s not obvious. For many of us, we feel closer after we make love. And the reason is quite simple: by making love, we reaffirm our commitment and our love. When you do make love, you say, “I would marry you again.” And God designed sex to bring us together! We release hormones during sex that help us to “bond”. So if you’re feeling distant, maybe the solution is to make love, rather than to wait to feel closer.
3. You Feel More Secure
Sex helps you to feel like your relationship is strong. When you make love, you cement it together again. Sex makes you feel protected. It makes you feel loved. It makes you feel like you have a future together. It makes you feel happier.
On the days after you make love, you can smile slyly at each other because you have this secret. You can giggle with each other more. You touch each other more. But most of all, you feel like the relationship is stronger. That’s because sex is a vital part of a relationship. As one commenter wrote in the comments yesterday, “sex isn’t the icing on the cake; it’s the oil that keeps the engine going.” When we don’t make love, our relationship can get really clogged up. When we do, we feel like things are humming along much better.
4. You Feel Wonderful
Let’s not forget the final part: sex actually feels good! Now, maybe for you it doesn’t yet. That’s okay. As I found in the surveys for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it can take a decade or so for couples to find that sex works like clockwork. It needs practice! So if you’re not there yet, pick up the book for some great tips.
But don’t settle for mediocre! If sex isn’t wonderful for you yet, don’t despair. Take it as a research project you can do together–a project with lots of benefits. Maybe you need to hit the reset button on your sex life and start over because you’ve developed some bad habits, like rushing through it. Or maybe he doesn’t know what you like.
But don’t despair! Sex does feel wonderful. And you can get there!
So if you’re feeling exhausted, and feeling distant from your husband, and feeling tense, then instead of saying, “there’s no way I can make love given how I feel“, why not say instead, “I had better make love given how I feel!” Making love can cure all of those problems!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. She’s been married to her husband Keith for 21 years, and happily married for the last 17 of those years! She’s the mother of two teenage daughters, and the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
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Thanks for the encouraging reminder:)
My husband has repeatedly said in anger to me “sex is nothing but a chore to you!” and I didn’t realize how hurt this made him. This article REALLY sheds light on why is shouldn’t be. Love, love, love this. Thanks again!
Better sleep, alone, is such a gift when you have anyone under the age of 10 at home! And security is something so many of us can benefit from. This was a great encouragement to reframe how we often view sex with our spouse in our minds. Thank you Sheila!
Missy recently posted..Chasing a Dream – Part 2
Great post with very helpful insights. It’s good to hear someone speaking honestly about a topic we too often avoid.
~FringeGirl
The Domestic Fringe recently posted..I’m Flower Patch Farmgirl’s Guest
The sleep alone is worth it! I love Sheila because she just uses common sense. Glad you could have her and be blessed:)
Closeness and better sleep are so true!
Kimberly recently posted..Washington has the Grays
I recently started following Fancy little things and To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and I LOVE them both! I have been in a rough marriage for 23 years. My husband was emotionally distant from me because of sin. He withheld affection (my love language) and intimacy, both physical and emotional. For 23 years I yearned for and begged to be loved. After months of prayer and council with my religious leader I was finally done and could take no more. This past October I asked him to leave.
He never thought it would happen. He didn’t think I was strong enough to do it. By asking him to leave he finally saw that his sin was tearing us apart. It finally hit him that he had to choose between his sin or his family. Through the help of our religious leader and God he repented for his sins. Through the Atonement of Christ he was healed! He became a new man! He is now humble and sweet and kind. He leads our family and chooses to attend church and pray together and read scriptures together. It is truly a miracle! He came back home in December and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the miracle He gave our family!
It is still hard and we have a lot to do to heal our marriage, but every day we are getting better! I have a lot of healing to do myself but I have never been happier in my marriage! We are like newlyweds just discovering each other. Both of these blogs have given me strength, encouragement and education. I am learning so much. After 23 years of having sex every few months to now making love (there is a difference between sex and making love!) nearly every day.
I know that not every marriage will end in a miracle like mine. But I do know that God has a plan for each of us. Through Faith, Prayer and doing all we can to make good choices to live a clean life, He will guide us to do what is right for us. There is ALWAYS Hope!
Thank you Sheila and the Fancy Little Things crew!
Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope.
Can you give me any more advice? I am at a loss to know what to do in this situation- my husband witholding affection and now sex for over 3.5 years.
I would love to connect with you! If you would like, you can email me at daisysueknightatgmaildotcom.
Great one!
Love the ‘Put me to sleep baby’…will be using that
Thanks,
Tshego
Thanks for the tips! We just got married 7 months ago, and we’re still learning about each other and how sex works in a marriage. One thing I’ve learned is #3- that sex is the oil, not the icing, and to keep our marriage chugging along, sex is so important! Thanks for the post!
Little Wife recently posted..Juicing Update
Sometimes it’s hard not to think of it as another chore, but a reminder of all the positive things that come from being connected to my husband
Love your blog!!!
I read two blogs… FLT & Love, Honor, & Vacuum. Great to see the two come together!
Thank you! We’ve been married for just under 6 months and we’re still working on getting it right..I’ve been content to do it for him (not that I don’t enjoy it), but it’s nice to have extra benefits!
This is exactly what I needed to read today. I told me husband “no” last night and am still feeling guilty about it this morning. It’s like God knew that I needed this article today. Thanks Sheila!
My husband knows I sleep better at night, so on the nights where I just don’t want to, he reminds me of that!
Julie Sancken recently posted..Back to the Grind
Thanks for the great reminders!
This is a great post! It helped put all my thoughts and feelings into words. Thank you for the good stuff!
today is 72 hours, so this was timely. already anticipating tonight more because of this! thanks!
Great advice! I’ll definitely try to implement this! Thanks!
Thanks for your work, Sheila! I find your posts very inspiring.
thanks for the reminder. I’m due with our first child next week, so this will be really important as we figure out our intimacy again after childbirth!
great post, thanks for sharing!
Love your post – especially Put me to sleep, baby!
Melissa recently posted..Finding Encouragement
My hubby and I have been doing the 31 days book to great sex from Sheila. It’s been wonderful! I’m very excited about getting a good girls guide too.
I would love to learn more about this. I’ve been married for 20 years to my husband and we’ve gotten into some sexual ruts. I even struggle with being physically attracted to him at times. I would love to learn how to change all that.
You are so right on all counts. Especially about a good romp in the hay being a wonderful sedative. Thanks for this!
Amy recently posted..El Roi and modern-day slavery
Been married for three and a half years now and we have a two year old boy and a three month old girl. I stumbled upon Sheila’s site but feel now that It was an answer to my prayers of wanting to be a wife that not only my husband would be proud of but also God would be proud of! Thanks so much Sheila, may you be blessed abundantly!
Great post! A big fan of Sheila.
Love this! Can’t wait to read the book! Thank you so much!
This is full of truth; my project right now is to figure out how to package this so my wife will read it with an open mind. Prayers appreciated.
Thanks for getting right to the point! I think this is a common struggle but no one wants to talk about it. Great tips!
This sounds like something I need to read and look into deeper because that first paragraph is me to a T. Still trying to find our stride as a married couple.
Lydia recently posted..High 5 for Friday
Am nodding right along and agreeing with every point Sheila! I’ve found everyone one of them to be true! Great truths, thank you for sharing them
Ngina Otiende recently posted..29 Reasons I Love My Husband
This was a great blog post. I am so thankful for women on this site and others who care about their sister’s sex lives.
Love when Sheila shares the “good news” about awesome sex in marriage. It’s fascinating because I’ve been visiting alot of new blogs this week (so much fun!) and noticed alot are talking about sex. This is certainly a hot topic and few know the subject with greater depth than Sheila. Thanks for sharing her with us!
Fawn Weaver recently posted..His Mother, The Second Coming & A Shot Gun Wedding
Can’t wait to read the book!
Sheila’s blog has already been a blessing to me and inspired me in so many ways! I’d love to win a copy of this book!
Jaimie recently posted..Rekindling Romance eKit {Giveaway}
SHIELA!!!!! thank you for sharing your heart today about where us women need to be — this probably would have hit a lot harder before August… but our marriage & our sex life has totally changed and i agree… i sleep better, i feel closer to my husband, i feel more secure in our marriage and in my life in general and girl, it does wonders for my confidence. so thankful for you to be here today!
Aimee Steckowski recently posted..the facts about Small Anchors
WOW! I needed this reminder much worse than I realized.
Such a great rule!!! Everyone should try their hardest to follow!
I recently heard about Sheila’s blog from a friend, and it has been such a blessing to me. I would love to win a copy of her book!
Great post, Sheila, as always! I love that you remind us women the benefits of sex for us too! It’s so much needed in a world that makes it seem like you say, a chore.
Colleen recently posted..A Long Day With a Quarrelsome Wife
I get married in 7 weeks and would love this book!
Thank you for sharing such pertinent information. So many fail to realize how important sex is to the vitality of a marriage.
Thanks for this.
I need to be reminded of this every now and then. Thanks.
I came to this blog from Pinterest and couldn’t believe what I was reading. The story of my life! I will definitely be reading more, and coming back again! Thank you
Sometimes when we’ve been abused and think that we are past being able to share a physical love, the LORD heals us and we are able to enjoy with our new GOD-given husband, a beautiful new life! Just because it was torture in the past doesn’t mean it will always be torture. HE gives and HE takes away, and sometimes HE heals in a surprising way!!
great post! I have just recently started reading Sheila’s blog and am looking forward to reading this book!
Awesome!!! I’m so happy to see you here Sheila! As I told you on Twitter, I had just recently finished reading your book “A Good Girls Guide to Great Sex” and I LOVED it!!! After 15 years of marriage…it’s been revolutionary! (Danielle, thanks for “stalking” Sheila!)
All women should read this book…if you don’t win a copy, go buy it. Thanks for the fabulous post!
Kristen Hamilton recently posted..Studying 1 Corinthians Chapters 5-8
I love Sheila’s blog so much. I’d love to read this book
I’m so glad that it’s not just for him, but that’s sometimes hard to remember. Thanks for your post.
I never thought about it that way. I will do better.
Thanks for the good reminders!
I regularly read Sheila’s blog, I would love a copy of her book1
It’s hilarious to me that you talk about sex as being a cure to emotional/attitude problems because of a personal joke my husband and I share! I honestly don’t use the headache excuse, but one night when I mentioned having a headache, Hubby said to me, “Well sex can cure that!” And we’ve referred to it as “The Cure” ever since
thanks for the insight. enjoyed reading the post & the comments.
Love your books and your blog, hubby and I could really use this book. We are doing a bible study right now trying to be closer and more intimate, I think this book could help seal the deal!
What an inspiration <3
Amanda recently posted..13 Exercises to Keep Your 2013 Going Strong
Interesting. I can’t say I think of sex as a chore – but I surely do know the way too tired problem!
Just found your blog but will be stopping by now that I have!
I really needed to read this today. It has started to feel like such a chore to me, and something that I have to do even though I’m not getting much satisfaction from it any more. What you’re saying here is such a push for me to start working on my perspective on sex with my husband. I think I really need that book too, because I need ideas!
Great giveaway! Glad I found it at the last minute
would love to win this book!
I would love to win your book – thanks for the chance!
I have been following Sheila’s blog for a couple weeks now and this post is EVERYTHING I am feeling at the moment. My husband used to tell me he loved me all the time and now not so often. I don’t feel like making love because I’m not “feeling” loved. Thank you for this, really needed it!
Can’t wait to read the book!
Thank you for your wonderful post.
I have loved reading up on this blog and reading the comments, but as a 26 newlywed wife who is in chronic pain it is hard to find the middle ground. At what point is my pain greater than our intimacy needs? Obviously there are times when I think of sex as something that I give to my husband because it is something that he needs and I give it to him lovingly because it is my duty as a wife but at the same time there are nights where that is the last thing I want to do and have to have the horrible fight in my mind to weight the costs and benefits.
I know that this is a bit out of the scope of this blog and 72 hour club theme, but what about all of us wives that want that intimacy with their husbands but their bodies have already betrayed them?
Will there be more of this series?????