Today, I’ll be starting a new series called “The 72 Hour Club”.
Better than striving to be in the “Mile High Club” and less crazy than joining a “Fight Club”, this is a club around one commitment.
A commitment to making sexual intimacy in your marriage a priority by engaging in sex or other physical intimacy with your spouse at least once every 72 hours.
Two facts that I’d read several years ago started this idea in my head…
- Men actually have a physiological need for sexual release every 72 hours driven by physical changes in hormone levels and sperm production.
- A man who has gone more than 72 hours since sexual relations with his wife will be more tempted by sexual sin.
(This is a good point to point out, I’m not a sex expert or scholar, just a wife with a heart to bless my husband and an avid reader of Christian-based marriage books. Two books that discuss this 72-hour cycle that influenced me were Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, and Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.)
The idea…could marriages be transformed by the simple commitment to respect & respond to our husband’s God-given needs for sexual intimacy and to make this aspect of our marriages a priority?
I first tested this theory in my own marriage. This divinely inspired idea, as I believe it was, came at a very difficult time for us. God has restored our marriage from the brink of divorce just two years prior, but the wounds inflicted during those times were still being revealed, forgiven and healed. I mention this to say, it was not an easy commitment to make at the time. But, what I experience was God using these intimate moments, the holy connection to each other and to Him, to bring deep & lasting healing in our relationship. It was far more than we’d ever accomplished in marriage counseling or other ways we’d attempted to connect.
That was over two years ago, and well not always perfectly, this commitment is still one I maintain in our relationship. It is how we keep our connections, including the emotional and spiritual intimacy within our marriage, and the feeling of oneness under God at the forefront of our married life.
I shared a bit of this idea in a post last summer and it got lots of comments, especially from my local friends, including “My husband says it is no wonder why Dave is always at work with a smile on his face.” The interesting conversations it started got me thinking even more.
I decided to take this experiment one step further and this past month, I invited a group of ladies to make this commitment as well. They were welcomed in to “The 72 Hour Club”.
They were all Christian wives seeking to improve their marriages. Some felt the commitment would be challenging. Others didn’t think it would be too far outside their current norms. Within a few hours of my Facebook post, eight ladies had made the 72 Hour commitment for 30 days. Not all of them finished, but all of them provided some interesting feedback as I asked them to look at different facets of their relationship and answer questions during each week of the 30 day journey.
So, could a good sex life change your marriage?
I certainly think so, and I’ll share with you my experiences, and those of these fearless eight women during the next several weeks. Come back each Tuesday as I tour you through “The 72 Hour Club”.
© 2012, Danielle Peters. All rights reserved. Love it? Print, email, pin, tweet or share but please don’t use my work without permission. {Copyright Fancy Little Things. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this article or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.}
About Danielle Peters
My goodness how I need to see this again. I just might be ready to try!
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Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!
Thanks Danielle! That sounds like a fun challenge!
so brave to do this talk! i’m looking forward to reading!!
you are so inspiring — to share not only your faith out loud but your marriage & sex life on a stage for all to see. i am truly humbled and encouraged by your story and excited to read the rest of this series!!
** For those of you reading these little comments down here, my husband & I were active participants — THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR MARRIAGE!
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What an amazing commitment! In striving to be “pure” again, my husband and I refused one another sex from our engagement to our wedding night. It was great, but now we can go a loooong time without a good connection. I think this is just what we need to really appreciate one another again!
Challenge: Accepted
I can’t wait to read the rest of this series. So powerful!
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Well, if people aren’t subscribed to the emails now, they will be. Thanks for all you do, Danielle!!!
The other night on Skype I kept trying to figure out what this was! I get it now. Great series D!
I am on board! I read this, talked with my man last night, and we are in! This is something that we need, and most specifically I need. Can’t wait to read more!
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This is a really great idea, Danielle. Being intentional in this area will improve every other area, including communication! Love it!
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But is there anything you can suggest for a woman who is married to a man who doesn’t want to have sex? My husband has no real interest in me in that way and its killing me!
Jennifer…I stumbled on this blog…or I was lead here by the Holy Spirit to give you hope. I recently experienced a redeemed marriage that experienced almost 12 years of no intimacy with my husband. He is a very loving caring genuine man, so when he rejected me it was devastating…over…& over… & over…well you get it…12 years worth. I racked my brain, read books, we talked…a lot…it wasn’t his desire for me he just couldn’t grasp why. No physical issues as he had T levels checked…reluctantly. This lack of marital intimacy that is designed by God was critical for us…and it was destroying other areas for us as well. At my final straw wanting to separate, he pleads to attend therapy together. There is no lack of love between us, mainly this one issue. Both of us attend somewhat reluctant but wanting to try.
Thru this process of months & months of therapy I begin to fully trust in God’s plan for me & focus solely on my personal relationship w/ Christ more intimately. I experience a lot of healing around some past hurts from my youth, & how those effected my relationship w/ my spouse. I had the privilege to listen to my Pastor speak in a series @ church on relationships…then I heard him say ‘it(change) starts w/ you…right now’. I left thinking I’m praying for the wrong person. I need to pray for me. After many many hours down on my knees praying, trusting God, being open to the therapy process…I relaize my spouse that I adore & love is not safe for me to move forward with. Myself & our therapist recognized his pride was holding him back from recognizing he needed help…we needed help…he was relying on himself & not God.
I prayed for God to move the mountain in my marriage & let the enemy have my old marriage…just give me a marriage that honors Him. I even griieved the marriage I had hoped for. After many prayers I realize I need to separate for me. I started the process of dissolution literally without my spouse knowing as he was so closed off to the process of therapy & healing thinking participating was attending…even tho he suggested it. Well, the day he found out I was really moving on literally brought him to his knees. After many hours of talking I really wasn’t paying attention because it was all desperate to keep me in this marriage…later that evening he broke down and himself admitted the pride was getting in the way of him opening up to the intimacy in our marriage…that he would figure it out & fix it on his own…not me…not us…not God. Now I start to listen because you know you can’t tell a prideful person pride is the issue…the Holy Spirit lead him to confess.
I did move out for a couple months, however we continued therapy and have taken a lot of that responsibility on ourself as well. We made an effort to spend a lot of quality engaged time together. I can truly say that what we have now is even better than when we first got married…a deeper more mature intimacy that comes from honoring God & putting each other first. Sex has been amazing…at first it was very emotional for me, but I knew I needed to be open. Neither of us were unfaithful to the other…ever…so not having that add to the mix was a blessing. Just two broken sinners trying to figure this marriage thing out…two committed broken sinners.
Our God is a good God and He gave my husband & I a great gift of redeeming our marriage in His honor. When I thought there was no hope…I prayed harder, longer, stronger. Our therapist was a Christian therapist pro-marriage…that made a big difference in our level of trust w/ her as well. Dive into the word, remain prayerful, be thoughtful about whom you share with to support you emotionally & spiritually…God can move mountains…when both spouses are open to genuine authentic change you can move forward together. God Bless!
Thank you Jenny for sharing your story, because I truly believe this is how we share the hope that Christ gives to us to others. You have a powerful testimony here. Although different circumstances, I too experienced a redeemed marriage brought back from the brick of ending by full leaning into God and finally watching as He move mountains in our home. So glad you stumbled here and hope your come back to visit & comment again!!
You have just told our marriage story. Although it doesn’t have the same ending as yours, yet. We are in counseling but my husband goes as show… doesn’t really put forth the effort for the work that needs to be done. If we didn’t have two young boys, I would leave. This week alone I have heard that the wife started praying that she be changed so I am thinking that this is what God is trying to tell me. I am so lost and lonely. Right now the thought of having to have sex with him isn’t something that I want to do. Not that he ever acts like he is interested in me anyway. I really don’t know how to do this. But I am encouraged by what you have written. Just wanted to thank you.
Donna
Donna, thank you for your comment. May you know that even though you feel you are lost & lonely, that God is truly there with you. I’ve sat in that counseling room and believed we were doomed. I can’t tell you how God did it (because it was all Him) but I do know that I finally “gave over” the entire situation to Him. I stop trying to control what was happening and just prayed, one of those on my knees, no words just tears, kind-of prayers. Prayer is powerfully and is a wonderful step to take, for you, for your family, for your marriage. Please look back at some other posts where I share more of my story…”The American Dream” or “A Baby Changes Everything” and find hope that God can redeem even the most broken of marriages, and make them into something beautiful. I’ll be praying for you today.
Donna…I prayed recently that God let me be a witness to someone…and that person be open. I didn’t pray for what I was going to witness…except that our God is a loving amazing God that wants His children to redeem His promises for us. I am glad you found these posts. i know the feeling of being alone in a marriage to someone you love. It feels like a big ‘soul hole’ that you can’t find a way out…but I finally saw the light at the top of that hole when I committed to fully trusting the Lord w/ this situation.
I even pulled my husband out of my prayers for a time. He would ask ‘did you pray for me’…I would reply ‘no, I prayed for me.’ All knowing that I needed to change how I was acting, thinking, feeling towards him…so in a round a bout wat I was praying for him. I to, like Danielle, was down on my knees…asking God if He saw every tear I cried, taking communion at home…visiting a chapel late evening to literally kneel before the cross sobbing in prayer. I am no ‘good bible study girl’ here…just my own personal relationship w/ Christ in my own way.
God showed me hope in my deepest valley…He asked me to hold on…what did I have to lose? In those prayers & w/ therapy I released a lot of chains that bound my heart. That release allowed me to be open to the truth in my life…no more living in the dark…I was going to honor God by living in His light. I prayed to be an example of the fruit of the vine to my husband.
After 12 years I didn’t have any expectations of what sex would be like when the opportunity came. I too at most times was in the ‘comfort zone’ of what we had accepted, and didn’t know if I would even want to have sex with him. A couple days after our ‘big discovery’ talk, my husband asked me to dance @ home…I could not help but be attracted to him after witnessing the genuine purging of his heart the last few days…sex just happened and I cried…he cried…it was emotional…it cannot be forced at this point. Your heart will let you know when it happens. This opened the flood gates to intimacy for us…as you can imagine.
I know isolation from friends & family can feel lonely too. You don’t want to admit you’re not having sex w/ your husband so you keep it secret…to yourself. The best thing I did, w/ encouragement from my therapist, is to tell a trusted friend. What a difference it made to release that secret…wow! I chose one of my closest girl friends whom we pray for each other daily…we encourage each other to live in the light and be a source of love for our husbands. She passed no judgement, only offered encouragement always…and hope & truth in the Lord. She wasn’t going to bash my husband or tell me to leave my marriage…she was completely supportive.
I will pray for you. God answered every prayer I prayed. It wasn’t exactly when, how, or what I expected…but it always came. If you don’t pray for it, don’t think it will happen. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage…I am overwhelmed by the deep genuine love we have for each other thru Christ…but God saved us…and we are both thankful.
Jennifer, I have the same problem and I’m at a loss about what to do about it! My husband is wonderful. A good man who loves me very much and meets my needs in every other way, but he has very, very little interest in sex. This is due to an addiction to pornography that started at a very young age. He is striving to overcome this, but the damage has been done and it takes a long time to recover. Research shows our brains actually change when we regularly watch pornography, and stimulation becomes practically impossible from normal human intimacy, though in time that can change back… I have finally realized that I cannot take it personally, but still, the disinterest is hard to accept. I am now at the point that I am not very interested either – it’s too emotionally damaging and frustrating. But I so want this wound in our marriage to heal! I think for now, prayer is the only answer?
how do you make it feel like its not scheduled? id hope with time and the relationship improving this would go away but at first itd seem to make sex a chore.
Great question Carrie. I’ll be honest. It often starts out feeling that way, and still some days in can feel that way. But more often than not, the scheduled-ness of it actually helps build anticipation now and for those days when I’m initially not feeling into it, I still give it a go…and often find I’m SOOO glad I did. Also, remember, it isn’t that we are scheduled every 72 hours, just that we try to be intentional to not let it go over 72 hours. A couple years in to living our marriage this way, and I don’t think about the calendar as much because I can feel when we are nearing that threshold just in the disconnect in our relationship.
This makes me think of a book we read in my book group a few years ago, 365 Nights. The true story of a woman who for her husband’s birthday promises to have sex with him every day for a year. I admit that I didn’t want to tell my hubby I was reading it because I was afraid he’d want the same thing – lol! Its a fun/funny memoir and a quick read. Highly recommend for anyone participating in or thinking of the 72 Hour Club!
Margot – It is interesting that you bring that up because I can know remember hearing this woman’s story around the same time as God was prompting me to take this challenge in our relationship. I’ve never read the book, but perhaps I should. I do remember hearing how drastically it changed their relationship.
Do you have a source for the information about needing to have sex at least once every 72 hours? As someone who studies sex, I don’t believe this is true and don’t see much evidence for this claim. Sperm that isn’t used is simply reabsorbed into the body, so it doesn’t necessarily need to be released. Also, many men do not desire to have sexual relations so often and would be unhappy with so much sex.
Rachel – I certainly can’t say I’m a sex expert or even one who “studies” it more than what I’ve gather from the many Christian-based marriage books I’ve read. Two books that I read that mentioned this 72-hour cycle were “Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Tempation One Victory at a Time” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker and “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman. I will add a reference to these books in the article. You do make a good point, that it is important to understand our husband’s own sexual rhythms and challenge ourselves to meet them there, whether a 24-hour, 72-hour or once-a-week kind-of guy.
I admit that this is the only real problem in our marriage. I’m ready to make this commitment. Pray that I can stick with it!
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what happens if you are the one that doesnt want it?
Your comment, along with a few others, have prompted me to tackle this topic next week. I’m not an expert, so I’m not sure I feel qualified to address this properly, but I’ve been praying about it and have a few things on my heart to share with readers. I hope you’ll come back next week to read.
This is great! I’ve actually noticed a difference in my husband if we go more than 3 days without sex and while it annoyed me before, I realize now that its because he is sex-deprived! He really is much more loving and fun to be with when I’ve been giving him that physical time that he needs. It also really helps me! I do have a question though. We have been married for about 3 months and I feel kind of silly asking this, but its been a problem for us. What do you do about that once a month visitor?? For us its been difficult because it means a whole week without sex and it always gets our sex life off track! Any suggestions on how to handle menstruation and sex?
Carina, I totally plan to cover that topic, so keep stopping in & reading!!
This is an area of our marriage that was neglected for a long time. It took me praying that God would give me a renewed desire for my husband (for MONTHS!) to turn things around. We still go longer than 72 hours because of deployments, but when we are together, we are intimate often! Of course, being able to count down the days to the end of a deployment can heighten the anticipation as well.
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I love love love the Sheet Music book. I highly recommend it to any committed couple. I have a 5 month old baby and my sex drive is pretty much non- existent (does any body know if it’s related to breastfeeding?). Sheet Music helped me understand how really important sex is to my husband, so I am much more willing to meet hubby’s sex needs.
Love your site! I know The 72 hour Club will be challenging but I cant wait to try it out! Thanks for your amazing blog!
I just came across your 72 hr. challenge today (Nov. 9). Just wanted to let you know that thru divine guidance I just recently came across this scientific 72 hr.-thing within the last 2 weeks “on my own”…learning what actually takes place in the male body…let’s just say, even tho I did not officially join your challenge, I’ve been taking part in the challenge (Holy Spirit is so awesome)…it has ABSOLUTELY transformed our marriage of 14 yrs….Praise God! Just wanted to share to encourage others that it truly is life transforming…experience it for yourself!
Cyndee…you aren’t the only one with this testimony for how this has changed marriages. Mine being one of them. I might just need to get in touch with you for your story and do a testimonial type post!
Just discovered this site/blog/ 72 hr Commitment Club. I started to tell my husband … i barely got out the words 72 hr Commitment …when he said “I can’t last 72 hrs – 72 seconds maybe, but not 72 hrs.” I laughed so hard I couldn’t tell him the commitment referred to frequency not duration!
Now that is funny!