On our week of vacation in July, we spent a day at the local water & amusement park. It took just a few minutes in the park for me to wonder…where did modesty go?
I almost hate to write about modesty. It has such an air of legalism and being “out of touch”. I read some articles while researching this post and all I could picture was a woman dressed like she came out of a Little House on the Prairie preaching to me about how my skirts should touch my ankles and my collar be at my neck in order to “bring glory to the Lord”.
What does modesty look like for the modern woman? Must we completely give up being fashionable? Where should we look for an example?
I’ve had my own journey with modesty. My mother has always dressed very well – neat, feminine, classy, modest – and mainly from clearance racks and consignment shops. She taught me the value of looking nice without making it more important than it was. She also did not give me free reign over my clothing decisions. I didn’t make it too hard for her since I didn’t have much to show anyway (is it just me or are teenaged girls getting bigger boobs these days?) and I chose mostly to wear age-appropriate clothes. I do remember one time being told to go change. I was swearing a black “skort” (shorts that look like a skirt) and my argument that they were really shorts didn’t fly. “It doesn’t matter,” my mom said. “They look like a skirt and it is too short.”
Even as I gained freedoms in college, I wasn’t much of a flaunter although I have a few recorded outfits I now regret. For example, the sorority event where I decided to go for a rock star look in pleather, skin-tight pants or the night I wore a backless top that drew a lot of attention. And there was the Halloween when a few of us decided to dress as Playboy bunnies. Even though my outfit of a black long-sleeved shirt with an iron-on bunny head and long black skirt were definitely modest against Playboy standards, I know now that the implications of the costume were still the same.
The times I most regret are the career days early in my marriage. It wasn’t that my clothes were grossly immodest, but rather the place where my heart was regarding how I dressed. I dressed to get men’s attention. I worked in sales in a predominantly male industry and found that my looks helped me get meetings and get clients. I was even coached during that time in sales training to use this to my advantage. This goes to show that modesty is less about what clothes you have on, and more about where you heart is when you are making wardrobe choices.
“There is a difference between dressing attractively and dressing to attract.” – Joshua Harris, Not Even a Hint
I don’t think rules about what to wear and what not to wear is how to address the modesty issue. It is an issue that presents itself on the surface, but in fact derives from the deep parts of our heart.
How do we define beauty? What value do we put on ourselves? How aware are we of the struggles that men face every day for pure minds and do we really want to be part of that temptation?
Once again I come to you with more questions than answers, and I still have so many more. Like how to raise my sons to battle this barrage of temptation in a world that flaunts sexuality so openly and so young? Or how does one go about raising a daughter who thinks she is only being “fashionable”? Or how does this affect and play out in our marriages?
Join me in this journey of discovery. Where has modesty gone? What does it look like in our world today?
I’ve taken the liberty over August and our “Day at the Beach” theme to share with you what questions about marriage I most often ponder, but I’d like to get back to your questions. Please send your questions to me at danielle@fancylittlethings.com or by clicking the button.
About Danielle Peters
I really appreciate your point here as the right starting point for this discussion:
“I don’t think rules about what to wear and what not to wear is how to address the modesty issue. It is an issue that presents itself on the surface, but in fact derives from the deep parts of our heart.”
Maybe one way to think of it is – does what I’m wearing draw attention to me as a person or to my physical parts?
I am always impressed by women who know how to dress their “whole selves,” because such a style is ageless. It doesn’t matter if their various parts start to sag or widen, because it was never the point to highlight them.
And beyond not “dressing to attract,” I’m glad that some women have the ability to lift the rest of us up by dressing in a graceful, feminine way. People are gifted differently in this category but I think it’s overall a good thing to aim for (although vanity may also lurk at the corners too).
From my own experience and observation:
The only value that comes to mind in teaching children about modesty and temptation is the same rule for clothing and appearance as it is for money, skills, and ‘things and numbers’ in general – flaunt not, want not.
Immodesty in anything; dress, salary, possessions, IQ, G.P.A. , body (things and numbers) essentially trains others how to treat you – it says ‘like me for my car / hair / I.Q. / body / salary instead of me, for me, as I am.’ When you train people to value you this way again and again, you slowly become that person, driving you further and further from the person who didn’t care about things and numbers. Not only that, you begin to value yourself based on these temporary and empty things and numbers, and begin to judge yourself in the same way (not to mention, we judge others unfairly as well). Enter insecurity and/or pride.
So when you have a baby and your body changes, or you lose your job and your income disappears, you judge yourself unfairly, and your self-worth takes the hit. Rather than seeing your life as a precious, meaningful and generous gift, you dwindle it down to ‘meaningless’; you’ve learned to rely on your things and numbers for joy and happiness so when you don’t have them (or when they grow old and lose their luster), you’re sad and depressed.
Over time, I’ve realized that the desire for modesty, however, has just as much to do with ‘covering up’ for your heart as it does for the hearts of those around you. To make people to want what you for what you have is a false and empty pretense for a relationship. On some level, a relationship based on this lie is without a solid foundation; this, in my mind, is where modesty and marriage meet.
Suppose a woman meets a man when both of them are in their prime. Suppose that they both are insecure about themselves, and tend to ‘flaunt their assets’ to make up for it. She flaunts her body and job, he flaunts his salary and car. They fall in love, get married, and then life happens to them. She has a baby – body gone, job compromised. He has to make up for her compromised career, but can’t find a higher paying job (not to mention trading in his car for a van). In one act of love that gives birth to one of life’s greatest gifts, their marriage is threatened because the foundation of their relationship was temporary, and when the fluff is gone, they realize that a different person lay beneath the exterior they were sure they knew so well. This isn’t a mystical couple – it’s the picture of SO many marriages.
Modesty in all areas of life is as important of a lesson in humility as it is in love – it’s hard to truly, selflessly love others when you’re focused on you (whether that focus is positive or negative, on what you have or what you don’t). When you’re immodest, your values change, your self worth becomes disoriented, and eventually, you become disappointed as the things and numbers change and disappear.
Ultimately, knowing the emptiness and despair of the temporary things and numbers should lead one to ponder the eternal and fullness of our permanent, everlasting, loving Father.
“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Eph 3:17 – 19
You’re a brave woman to open this topic. As the mother of 2 daughters, there were 2 catagories of shopping that I dreaded. Bathing suits and prom dresses. How to look fashionable and modest at the same time? And what exactly is modesty? What is modest in one culture is scandalous in another, different from generation to generation, even by body type. 2 different girls could put on the same top and one looks fine (the smaller one) and the other has cleavage starting under her chin. It’s just the style…everybody’s wearing it..just doesn’t cut it. Wearing the proper size would help alot. If I can see all your undies outlines…or lack of them, and every ripple of your body…it’s not modest. Maybe modesty is looking at what the acceptable standard is and taking 2 giant steps backward. Do your Christian brothers a favor and leave a bunch to the imagination. For believers, modesty is a Biblical mandate, so as parents don’t be afraid to set guidelines early…before those parts suddenly need covering…looser
Thank you ladies for your comments and thoughts.
Just posted on this topic myself, with the same trepidation…my take is similar to what you wrote. We do have to teach what we know to be true. Even if we haven’t always known (or done) the right things. I hope some are helped by both of our posts!